I am a woman. A childless woman. Some might say I’m less of a woman because I’ve never birthed another human. Others might not say it out loud, but I’ve most definitely felt the energy of that judgment from more than one person throughout my life. And, while I have the absolute utmost respect for mothers, truly, I will never believe that being childless makes any woman less than, including me.
I am a woman. I am a woman who finally listened to her own intuition and inner knowing. And, thank goddess, I did.
I was a little girl.
As we grow up, it is not unusual to disconnect from our intuition: The noise and distractions of the world begin to drown out our intuitive selves. I lived this for many years. As a little girl, I grew up thinking I would have children—that is the cultural message little girls receive: you grow up, get married, have kids, and if you want it, a successful career, too. You do it all with a smile on your pretty little face~even if you are a little bit or a lot miserable in the meantime.
I distinctively remember at age 21 standing in my mother’s kitchen with the women in my family and telling my Aunt I couldn’t imagine having a child. Her response was to, “give it time.” As I got older, I thought I would eventually have a deep yearning to be a mom. Time was passing. I kept waiting for it to happen, but that deep yearning never arrived.
I married in my late 20s and at 30 was finished with graduate school, so I figured now was the time. Having a child is the next step to check off my life list of how to be a woman in the world. After a year of trying, I still wasn’t pregnant. I went to a doctor, found out I had PCOS, and was put on medication to try to help with fertility. The months that followed included taking pills and driving to the hospital regularly to get blood drawn to see if I had ovulated.
I remember distinctly one day on my way to the hospital hearing this internal voice say, “I don’t know why you are trying so hard when you don’t really even want to have a child anyway.”
At first, I wasn’t sure what to do with this message. However, I eventually realized MY body was not getting pregnant because ultimately I didn’t really want to be a Mom. I enjoy kids. I work with them every day. But the truth was: I didn’t want to birth a child or raise one. That was simply not my calling.
I am a woman.
Luckily, my husband and I were on the same page. We loved our life together and were both very content in finding our purpose and joy through living our lives rather than raising one.
It took me a long time to recognize my own intuition and insight about not becoming a mom and then to be completely at peace with my truth. Thankfully, I listened to my internal voice that day in the car.
It’s important to remember intuition is always there. The first step in accessing it is knowing and trusting it is there and finding moments to get still. Slow down. Begin to pay more attention. Notice your gut instincts and the ah-ha moments. ASK for inner guidance, pray, and LISTEN.
I am a woman. A woman who listened to her intuition and inner knowing finally instead of the outside world. I am a woman. A woman who believes all women have inherent worth. Inherent. Period. I am a woman. A woman who believes women deserve to be celebrated for exactly who they are. All women.
I am a woman.